What have I done...
This story takes place during a silent meditation retreat, 10 days of silence while meditating. It may sound nuts - no chatting or watching telly for 10 days but it has been one of the most rewarding things I have done. This story takes place on the third and most recent session.
There was the usual nervous energy jingling in the air. For the first timers it was all uncharted territory. You could imagine the questions; “How will I cope?”, “Who were the other nutters doing the course?” and obviously: “Can I survive 10 days without the internet?!”
I did not have the luxury of not knowing. Wrestling with my own thoughts, I took a seat outside, watching the setting sun. It was a nice view and one I hoped would help cope with the upcoming silence.
Side note: The course is officially started with the strike of a gong. Once begun, there is no talking or eye contact to be made.
Anyway, there I was, peacefully watching the sun when…
Random bloke: “What the Fuck have I done?”
A man, who I had never met before came and sat next to me. He had a look of terror on his face.
Me: “Sorry my friend, I think you may have me confused with someone else. Can I help?”
Random bloke: “They want me to spend 10 days not talking and what – just focus on my breathe?!”
Me: “Sorry, did you not know what was involved?” This guy was brave!
Random bloke: “No! I had no idea. I knew it was about meditation but it turns out that is all its about….fucking meditation! Jesus, this is going to be hell!”
Fair to say I was a little uncomfortable with all the swearing; we were after all meant to be zen and blah blah. This guy was polluting my mind-space with hell and fucking!
Me: “I am curious, how did you come about choosing this course?”
Random bloke: “My girlfriend! I mentioned that I wanted to meditate and she organised this as a birthday surprise. Some girlfriend – she set me up!”
Side note: It turned out he had trouble de-stressing from work and life. He made the mistake of confiding this to his long-time girlfriend. She diligently researched and found the technique taught by the actual Bhudda himself. Now, where better to go than the source of all things zen, and it was free – bonus! Little did she know that how much of a shock it would be for her other half. Or may be she did!
Me: “I am sure she meant well. Sorry, I don’t know your name?”
Random bloke: “Oh, its Andrew. Have you done this before?” He was a little calmer now.
Me: “Yeah, Andrew, its one of the hardest and most rewarding things I have ever done. I am here for the 3rd time. Take it all in, do your best, listen to the instructions and do as much as you can. Sitting on the floor is not something everyone is used to.”
Andrew: “Sit on the floor? They want me to sit on the fucking floor for 10 days?!”
The “fucking” returned. Trying to help, I appeared to be having the opposite effect.
Me: “Umm, yes, but that is part of the challenge, when the pain of sitting cross legged comes, it can be seen as a test.”
Andrew: “Oh no, this is not going to happen. No talking, veggie food AND sitting cross legged on the floor. No Fucking way!”
Just then the silence gong went off. We looked at each other, both of us caught off guard. Those were his last words for 10 days: “No Fucking Way”! I wanted to console and tell him that he was going to be okay. Put my hand on his shoulder and offer solace. But the gong went off and it meant: No talking or physical contact.
All I could do was shrug my shoulders before walking off. He looked like that Picasso painting. Worst of all, there was nothing I could do for him. Poor guy!
There are various highs and lows over a 10 day silent retreat. Something I will elaborate on in another story. For the context on this one, it is useful to know that all of us were going on a journey. A journey that was not that easy going and a sure relief when it was over.
Day 10 finally came – the usual joy of being able to speak and connect was there. 100 guys who shared in an experience without actually sharing the experience.
We gathered in little groups, exchanged stories and marvelled at how we pulled through. Collectively laughing at the man who farted loudly during meditation after lunch on day 5.
One of the things that I have learned to cherish is the music on the drive up. The best thing is the songs remain with you and can really help pass the time.
We were all catching up on the songs and thoughts when Andrew joined the group. We kind of nodded at one another and waited until it was the two of us before we caught up proper.
Me: “So, how was it man?”
Andrew: “Hard, but Wow! What a journey!”
Me: “The first few days must have been a revelation hey!”
Andrew: “You know how you remembered the last song on the radio on the way to the course?”
Me: “Oh yeah, I was saying earlier, it kept me going for the first few days. Why do you ask?”
Andrew: “Well, I did not have a song, but I did have something that went through my mind.”
Me: “Oh, what’s that then?”
Andrew: “Do you remember the last conversation? When I exclaimed ‘No Fucking Way’ before going zero dark? Well, that was my ‘song’ for the whole experience….No Fucking Way!”
We burst out in laughter!
Takeaways
1) Be careful what you say – they may be the last words you speak!
2) Not all meditation retreats are stress free!
3) Do not let your girlfriend book you on a meditation course!