Mr Ali.....
This story is one of mistaken identity. One, that could easily have led to some very alarming consequences.
The context:
a) I was studying for my actuarial qualification. The exams and their subsequent results were a big thing. At the time of this story I was waiting for some big results to come through
b) Post 9/11 - every guy that looked like me, with even a hint of a beard had suddenly become a target of suspicion
c) Perhaps most importantly; I was boarding a plane coming back from the US
What occurred requires a lens of perspective. One lens of what I thought was happening and the other for everyone else on the plane and what they thought was happening. The lenses:
Lens 1 – Me
Lens 2 – Collectively everyone else
Although there is no way to verify my thoughts, take a note of how people react the next time a bearded brown guy boards public transport. You will start to appreciate how plausible the second lens may be.
So, I board the plane.
Lens 1: Stewardess smiles and points me to the right. I shuffle along looking for somewhere to put my rucksack.
Lens 2: Oh my god, a brown guy and he is smiling insanely at everyone and oh my double god; he has a rucksack! This is it; I wish I had told my kids how much I loved them.
Lens 1: I take my seat and fumble around the magazines.
Lens 2: Same.
Lens 1: My phone rings and I take the call.
Lens 2: …
“Mr Ali, how the devil are you.” Mr Ali was a good friend from work. We did this surname thing – thinking it was cool and macho like in the crime shows.
Lens 2: Did he say Ali? Oh Jeez, these guys are A-rabs! They will not get away with IT this time!
I will leave it to your imagination as to what the IT being implied was!
Ali called to say that I had passed the exam. This was a big deal for me and you could say I was a little jubilant upon hearing the news. So jubilant that I forgot my own context.
Me: “Dude you better not be shitting me. You sure I passed? Awesome. Mr Ali, you have made me a very happy man…” - and then the bit that clinched it for the audience - “…Ali, I can die a happy man, Thank you, Thank you! Yup, see you on the other side.”
I put the phone away and was sitting pretty. The other passengers with their lens, however, had had a distinctly different experience. I can only imagine what they were thinking…
Lens 2: He passed what? Is this code? “Mr Ali; I can die a happy man” – holy shit this is like the movies. Where is Liam Neeson when you need him!
One the of the passengers tapped me on the shoulder.
Passenger: “Ummm, mister, were you waiting for that call?” He seemed nervous.
Me: “Not really. To be honest, I had forgot all about it. But what great news hey! Just before take-off.” It slipped my mind that only I knew I passed the exam.
Passenger: “Ummm, yes, so was this a test you passed?” Even now, I chuckle at how polite he was when trying to assess my ‘terroristness’!
Me: “Yup, yup, great news!”
Passenger: “And so you are ready to die?”
Me: “What now?”
The joy of exam success was abruptly cooled. I had been thinking about the wonderful pay rise coming my way and this man was talking to me about death – bummer!
Me: “Die? No I am not ready to die. Come to think of it, is anyone truly ready?” I thought he wanted some kind of philosophical debate. A bit strange having only just met him, but. I went along with it.
Passenger: “Well, you said you could die happy…”
What did this guy want – I thought he looking to convert me to a new cult!
Me: “Don’t YOU want to die happy?”
Passenger: “Yes of course, but not right now!”
Me: “Now? Do we need to get you a doctor?” I thought he needed medical attention.
Passenger: “No…what do I need a doctor for?!” His voice was becoming more high pitched. The other passengers stopped pretending they were doing something else, and were solely focused on this tense and awkward exchange.
Me: “I don’t know, you tell me! You’re the one who keeps talking about death!”
Passenger: “So we aren’t going to die?”
Me: “What? Everyone dies one day but I am not sure what is going on here…” People around me had almost stopped breathing. You could hear a pin drop on the plane.
“Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I simply want to watch a few films and get some sleep. I had good news from the office and would like to savour the thought of the pay rise.”
Passenger: “Office? You mean you have just got a promotion at work?”
Me: “Well not promotion, but defo pay rise for sure, why?”
Passenger: “Oh gosh, that is such a relief, we, I mean I thought something else was about to go down. Over active imagination and all that…Wonderful news man.”
It finally dawned on me and the others what was going on. They clicked I was not about to bring an end to their life journeys! Collectively there was a sigh of relief. (Funnily though, what then occurred was a transfer of stress.) I, however, was on edge, thinking through each move and word I spoke in case it was taken for something more sinister.
The lenses for the rest of the flight remained as follows:
Lens 2: Silly us, the poor guy was just happy to pass some exams. We should really be more embracing and less suspicious.
Lens 1: Holy shit; Do not do anything stupid – they all think I am a bloody bomber!!!
Suffice to say; I did not sleep the rest of the flight.
Lessons:
1) Remember the context. You may be the most innocent, passionate, “good” person. But, if your actions are not context-correct, then, my friend, you will be shown wanting.
2) Do not, and I really mean do not, declare your preparedness to exit the world on a plane. There is a high likelihood of it being misconstrued for something else, something much worse.
3) If you’re celebrating, remember to bring people along on your journey. Otherwise they may mistake your joyfulness for something else, something much worse.